Casey Anthony...heaven or hell?

I hope Casey Anthony can find  peace and forgiveness that only God can give her, and that I'll see her in heaven reunited with her daughter and experiencing the love of our Saviour for eternity. 

I hope Casey Anthony suffers the rest of her life in complete misery and torment, and that she dies a rotten, lonely, painful death and burns in hell for eternity. 

I'll be honest, both versions of those thoughts have run through my mind a bit in the recent days since the verdict.  In case you didn't pick up on it, these thoughts are in conflict with each other.  They are opposite in nature and tone.  They are in stark contrast with one another. Polar opposites.  (you get the picture)  I'm not even going to get into the legal aspect of things...because truthfully I may have had to make the same decision as those jurors did.  What a terrible choice to make.  And I always go back to the fact that even though I may feel very strongly about her guilt or innocence, I can not be 100% sure.

If your'e reading this and you aren't a follower of Jesus, or you don't believe what I believe about who He is, and what that means, then you might think this post is a bunch of hooey.  That's ok with me.  You are allowed to have your own views for sure...but since this is my blog  I get to share it from my perspective. And my perspective starts and ends with Jesus.

Despite what people may say, Casey Anthony hasn't "gotten away" with anything if you ask me.  Sure, she may have avoided the judicial form of punishment, and possible death penalty, and that's no small thing.  But I don't think a person can go through all that she has and just get away with it.  Let's say, for the sake of argument she was totally innocent of all charges...she will still suffer with the scars and trauma of all that's taken place.  If she did murder Caylee, then I'm certain her life is and will be filled with deep suffering, guilt, shame, and destruction.  I don't care if she parties, and seems like she is "fine". She's not.  The mere fact that she could react that way says she's not "fine". On so many levels Casey Anthony is not "fine".  And that's where Jesus comes in. 

I may not have killed my daughter.  I haven't even done anything remotely close.  But guess what?  I'm not "fine" either.  I cannot, nor will ever be fine without the beautiful saving grace of Jesus.  I'm not going to post scripture here today...but everything I'm saying is in the Bible...I'm just paraphrasing.  (I'll give you verses if you want them, just leave me a comment)  Long ago man decided in the garden to do his own thing, to make his own decisions, and in so doing rejected having a relationship with God.  In essence we didn't think God, the very one who created us, knew what was best,  so we said "thanks, but no thanks".  But that creator, oh how He loved His creation...and no matter what we did He STILL wanted to have a relationship with us.  And so through His Son Jesus, and His death and resurrection we again can be in relationship with our creator.  God provided the ultimate sacrifice so we could be "fine" once again. More than fine...we get to experience life with God and life in relationship with Him.

 Yes, God is very saddened by the death of Caylee Anthony.  Afterall she is His handiwork.  He knitted her together in the womb and knew her before she was born.  Of course He grieves her death.  God is also just, and the righteous judge of sin, any sin.   But here's the thing...we were NEVER created to be judged.  We were not meant to be children of God's wrath.  He never intended for us to experience His judgement.  We decided to go our own way....we chose that judgement.  That's why He sent Jesus...Jesus came into the world NOT to condemn us...but to save us!  Save us from what?  From the judgement of God that we were never intended to receive...but so rightly deserve when we're in rebellion and dead in our sin.  It's the best news I've ever heard, and the longer I live the more I realize just what Jesus has done.  He came to set the captives free...FREE from God's judgement. Free from our sinful rebellion, our misery, our prideful, know it all ways, and yes even our murders.   He came so that Casey Anthony can be fine once again.  (SIDE NOTE: It doesn't mean there are no consequences.  Forgiveness and consequence are two seperate things.  She will always have consequences, whether legal, emotional, or relational. But God does not want her consequences to destroy her) 

So I'm purposing to line up my thinking with the first statement I made at the beginning of this post.   How can I who was once dead in my sins....and who was also going to experience the judgement of God, now wish that upon someone else?  How can I wish an eternity of torment and seperation from God upon someone?  How dare I is the better question.  How dare I think that the wrath of God is what is best for her... when Jesus came to save her, and all of us from that?  It's a slap in His face when I decide that His sacrifice wasn't enough to save Casey Anthony. How can I decide that hell is her deserved destiny, when Jesus says her destiny can be in Him?  He wants her to repent, to come to Him so He can forgive her. He longs to make his home inside her messed up, sin filled,  wounded, heart and make her new.  Just like He did for me.   How dare I not want that for Casey Anthony?  Really, how dare I?

A Face for Japan

Yuki Kouki.  I only remember her name because in my mind I thought it rhymed.  If you say it in Japanese I'm not sure it actually would rhyme, but that's how I've always remembered it.  Yuki was my pen pal in the 5th grade.  It was one of those class projects the teacher asked if we'd be interested in.  Even as a young girl I enjoyed writing. Letters, notes, it didn't matter.  I just liked to write.  So what could be more fun than having a pen pal?  I remember the day we had to choose which country our pen pal would be from.  We only had a few choices and I picked Japan because I liked rice.  Seems like a perfectly good reason to an eleven year old right?   It makes me smile now at the depths (or lack of depths) I went to in choosing my country.

I wish I could say that Yuki and I forged a lifelong friendship filled with letters of our childhood antics, our first dates, our graduations, loves, heartbreaks, and so on.  But we didn't.  Yuki and I wrote a handful of letters to each other for about a year.  Her life was starkly different from mine in some ways.  She was an only child living in a city north of Tokyo I think.  I wish I could remember the name.  She lived with her parents, grandparents (and maybe an uncle?) in an apartment.  I remember her mom was a nurse.  Meanwhile, across the globe, I had two younger brothers, lived in an old two story victorian,  in small town, middle America. We had a big backyard and a neighborhood full of kids.  I remember thinking how fun it would be to live with my grandparents...and in an apartment?! Wow...as a kid there was nothing more exciting than that!  Her life seemed almost glamorous to me.  Looking back I wonder how she felt about mine?  Did she ever think about playing in a big back yard with lots of grass, just like I thought about the busy city and the elevator she took every day up to her apartment?  

Even though Yuki and I lived worlds apart we also had some 'eleven year old girl similarities'.  We enjoyed school, and playing piano.  We both hated cats.  (sorry cat lovers)  We were both in love...and I mean real, true LOVE with teen heart throb Shawn Cassidy and even had the same poster hanging in our bedrooms.  I can't tell you how much I wish I could find her letters. She wrote a poem once about our shared love for Shawn and I remember thinking she was nothing short of brilliant!

I loved Twinkies, and she loved these cake things...or pies, I'm not sure, but they were called Choco Shrooms, or Choco Pies. (I had to google to remember) The other day when the earthquake hit and the devastation began it was one of the first things I thought of.  Yuki, and those pies she loved so much.  I know how odd it may seem seem to think of something so trivial in the face of such tragedy.  But then I realized how easy it is to look at the news and see what's going on over there but not feel a real connection to it.  Sure, the footage is horrific. We see the images and hear the heartbreaking stories.  It causes all of us, or at least it should, to pause and reflect on our own lives. To be thankful for all the blessings we have in every moment. 

I wish I could say I thought about Japan and her people often before this tragedy... but I didn't.  I wish I could say I was moved to pray for them before this tragedy...but I wasn't.   I didn't even really think of Yuki very much until this all happened.  But when it did happen, there she was. Yuki, and her love of Choco Pies.  Yuki and her jet black hair and brown eyes.  So opposite of my blond, blue eyed self.  I thought of Yuki in her apartment, where I'm sure she ate rice with her grandparents. 

I wish I knew what became of her, my pen pal friend.  I wonder if she still lives in Japan. And if so, was she was hurt, or even worse?  I'm sure she hasn't given her American pen pal , a single thought in the wake of all that's happened.  But if I could, I would tell her that someone across the world remembers her.  I'd tell her how sorry I am, and  how much I wish I could help her in some way.   I'd cry with her over what's happening to her beautiful country.  I'd remind her what a great poet she was at age eleven and ask if she still likes to write.  I'd ask her if I could say a prayer for her that God would comfort her and give her strength. 

I understand now why thinking of Yuki and her love of pies was not trivial.   It wasn't trivial because Japan is not just some country...some abstract place.... with abstract people....it's full of Yuki's who live in apartments and homes, who are nurses, and ride in elevators, and love Shawn Cassidy.  (I guess now it would be Justin Bieber)  It's a place where families celebrate birthdays, go on vacations, sing songs in the shower and eat rice and Choco Pies. And maybe even Twinkies.  It's a place that I will keep praying for in the weeks and months ahead.   And Yuki, if you are there, I hope you are well and safe.  As well and safe as can be expected I guess.  And I'd like to say thank you for giving me a face for Japan, so I can continue to remember you and your country with compassion,  and even hope for the future.

With Love...Your pen pal,
Jennifer

I Had NO idea (Bee)

'I had no idea'...How often do we say that?  The more I've been thinking about it the more I realize I say it quite a bit.  The other day I wrote about my husband for his Birthday tribute.  It was all about the many 'I had no ideas' since marrying him.  After that post I've had so many other things come to mind.  So that's why I think I'll be writing some 'I had no idea' posts every now and then.

Just the other night we were at the last game of the season for my son's Basketball team.  I happened to get this great picture.

This is my daughter and her friend in the sombrero.  Gracia...lovingly called "Garcia" by some.  Aren't they cute?  And guess what?  'I had no idea' they would ever be at a Hillcrest boys basketball game together! Futhermore they played girls basket ball together too.  See, here's the scoop... Gracia's mom and I met over 28 years ago at the very same school, and became lifelong friends in the process.

Bee (short for Billi Jo ) and I met when I was only 14 and she was 15.  We both attended a Christian boarding school in MN.  I lived at home and she in the dorm.  She spent many an hour at my house eating popcorn, drinking Diet Coke and watching our favorite show ever ...Magnum P.I.!  Oh Tom Selleck how we loved you!!!  Bee was like family...in fact when Bee's parents would drive to town for a visit, they would come over to our house.  The more popcorn the better was my mom's mantra.

Here's my mom on the right holding our dog Herbie, and Bee's mom Grace...hanging out on our (horrendous) floral couch.  In defense of the couch it was 1985 ish...so I guess it was cool.  Kind of like Tom Selleck's super short khaki shorts.

This is Paul...Bee's husband..the day he graduated from seminary.  (that's my mom in the background...I'm sure she'll LOVE this picture)  You see this story is even more interesting.  My dad and Paul graduted together from seminary that day.  We were all friends and had known Paul for years as he was a dean at our school .  I HAD NO IDEA WHAT WOULD HAPPEN NEXT...



Bee and Paul tied the knot!!! (a few years later) ....I was so happy to be a bridesmaid on that lovely September day.  Bee was also the maid of honor at my wedding the previous November.  I really had no idea... :) 

Here's Bee and me at a party before her sister's wedding.  That's a whole other post for another day too.  You see Bee's sister Missi is also one of my lifelong friends...and her kids and my kids also know each other and play sports together.  I had no idea...

In this picture I'm pregnant with our first baby (see the Baby name book)  Never mind my hair.  Can you say 1990, spiral perm? (I had NO idea hair could ever be so ugly)  I had my first child 2 days before her Birthday.  Her first child was born the day after my Birthday.  Our second children are only 3 days apart!!! And our two daughters are 2 months apart.  We still laugh at how that happened.  (Of course Bee was a bit braver than I...she ended up having 2 more kids squeezed in for a total of 5 versus my 3)

Here's Bee with Kiki our first daughter at about 4 months old.  I love looking back on all these fun pictures and saying "Wow, I had NO idea"  No idea that at age 14 and 15 we'd go through school together, drive out to CA and live there together, be in each others weddings, have children at nearly the same times.  I had no idea we'd visit each other often and laugh until we were in pain.  Literally in pain!  We still do!!  I had no idea that one day a couple of our kids could graduate together from the same highschool we did. 

I'm so thankful for the people God has placed in my life.  Today I'm thinking of Bee...but there are just so many.  I may not have had any idea what this friendship would mean for all my life...but God sure did.  He had all the right ideas.  If you're reading this Bee....I want you to come over for some popcorn, Diet Coke and a little hunky Tom Selleck OK?  xo

A new blog look & Charlie Sheen

I fancied up my blog a little bit.  Actually I'm trying to customize it a little more...learning the blog ropes.  My friend Gen (THANK YOU GEN) sent me this link to picnik.  For those of you who are way more techy than I, you already know what that is.  For those of you who don't,  it's a very cool website where you can do collages, cool stuff with pics, and make headers for blogs and such. I followed a tutorial on my iphone while I made the new header on my computer that you see now on my blog.  I almost threw myself a party.  Complete with balloons and a clown.  No kidding.  I'm normally not very good with stuff like this.   So over the next few weeks/months I'll be adding new features,  and continue to customize the blog.  Aren't you all so excited? If I do throw myself a party I'll invite you, and if you're scared of clowns I'll hold your hand.

Ok, so I don't really have anything more to post tonight.  Just wanted to see what you all think of this new look.  I guess as long as I'm on here though....can I just take a moment to comment on Charlie Sheen?  Charlie holy cats I'm off my rocker Sheen. 

I normally don't pay much attention to Hollywood.  I mean l know the general hoopla...
Lady Gaga, kooky, but amazing voice.
Britney, making a come back, 'baby one more time'
Linsday, stole a necklace, Why?  Really.  Why?  Sorry, 'allegedly' stole a necklace
Gwyneth, pretty actress, should let her husband do the singing
Steven Tyler, Idol Judge, still has a big mouth
JLo, Idol Judge, still has a big...well some people say 'behind'.   I for one, would take it.

But Charlie....wow....I've never been a huge Charlie fan mind you.  Don't watch his show... but out of pure curiosity I listened to a bunch of his interviews the other day.  I don't know if you can really call them interviews. Such incoherent ramblings.  It's really easy to get kind of disgusted and just dismiss him as another arrogant, self absorbed, womanizing, creep in Hollywood. And if you watch him he certainly does fit that description to a T.  But something else inside me feels deep compassion and sorrow for Mr. Sheen.  Obviously he's in need of great help.  Ultimately he needs the help that only a Savior can give.  We all are in need of that kind of help, Charlie is no different. 

 So tonight I think of Charlie and the day he was born.  The great joy that he must have brought to his parents.  What a cute little boy he must have been playing cars, and baseball.  Then I think of our God, who created him.  Who knew Him before he was born.  Who still knows the very number of hairs on his head.  And who loves Charlie...deeply and unconditionally loves him,  and wants nothing more than to have a relationship with him.  To restore him and bring him to a place of repentence, peace, and joy.  True joy in Him.  Will it happen?  I don't know.  It's hard to not be cynical when you hear Charlie talk.  It's hard to think he'll ever come to that place.  But tonight, I choose to believe in a God who is big.  Bigger even,  than all the mess Charlie is in.  He is able... well able, and mighty to save.  So tonight I am going to say a prayer for Charlie.  Because I believe prayer does change things.  God's love is not too far away for anyone.  It reaches all the way to Hollywood and back again.

The One True Valentine

He loves me....He loves me not...He loves me...He loves me not.... I don't know about you but somehow that little game always made me a bit anxious.  Granted, when I was ten years old I didn't really have a "he" in my life to love me or not...except my dad, and well, that was a given. Thankfully I grew up secure in my father's love.  But as I got older and started dating, and eventually got married, that game took on a little more meaning.  I know what your'e thinking..."Jen, it's just a daisy."  Of course I know that, but I hated ending with "he loves me not" on that last darn petal.  So I'd cheat. I'm not ashamed to say it.  I'm a daisy petal cheater.  I'd pull two petals off at the same time so I'd end up with "he loves me" at the end.  And even though I knew I'd cheated, I didn't care.  I had won the game...he loved me.

After being married for 22 years I can now say it wouldn't bother me in the least to end on a "he loves me not" petal. There is no daisy on the planet that could convince me of that.  Just like my dad when I was little, I'm so very thankful that I'm secure in my husband's love for me.  He's seen the darkest, ugliest, meanest, nastiest parts of me (more than once) but he hasn't ever  said "I love you not." He is only human, so I'm sure he's had a few not so nice thoughts over the years however.   I'm fully aware of what a blessing it is to have that in a marriage.  I'm also fully aware of the deep hurt and devastation people go through when the last daisy petal is not good news. 

If you've played the daisy game in life and have been burned by the "he loves me not" petal, there is still good news for you.  Really, it's the best news of all.  There is a God who loves you...always.  He doesn't even know how to "love you not." 

Romans 8: 38-39 For I am persuaded that neither life, nor death, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

This is the ultimate Valentine.  Not even the darkest, ugliest, meanest, nastiest parts of ourselves will cause God to "love us not".  He  sent his very Son so that we could be forgiven and restored to Himself.  If you've had people fail you, if you've had people hurt you, I encourage you on this Valentines Day to run to the One who will never fail you, the One who's heart longs for you.  You might not be able to say that you've felt secure in your dad's love....you might not be able to say that your spouse has always loved you unconditionally.  Maybe you've walked through some dark valleys of rejection that have caused you to build walls so that no one can access your heart and hurt you again.  There is good news for you today...you have a heavenly Father in who's love you can be secure.  He wants your heart, and if you allow Him to have it, you'll never regret it. He's the ultimate expression of love.   You don't need a daisy to know where you stand with Him...He doesn't play that game.  He's the One true Valentine..."He loves you"...with an everlasting love.

Words...words....

I'm speaking at a Women's retreat this weekend.  I've never done a full 3 day speaking engagement before so of course I'm processing carefully all that needs to be done.  When I tell people that I have to speak for 4 hours (total time in 3 days) and that I want to be sure I've prepared enough material,  I seem to get the same response.  Laughter.  Then a quick "Oh, my goodness you'll do just fine."  Just to be on the safe side I've asked a few people lately..."Hey, am I one of those blathering idiots that annoys the dickens out of everyone with incessant talking?"  Thankfully the consensus is no...even my husband reassures me I'm not "that" person.  Engaging people and hearing about their lives is one of my passions.  I so enjoy a good cup of coffee where I can get to know someone at a deeper level.  Did you notice I said I enjoy "HEARING" about their lives. I'm not just JENerally Speaking I'm also JENerally Listening too.  Having said that I do love to encourage with words.  Life is not pleasant for so many in one way or another.  A listening ear and  time, 'speaks' volumes to people more than words can sometimes.  I'm also a firm believer that if you enjoy the gift of gab....then use it ...and use it well.  Use your words to bless....use them to love people....use them to encourage and uplift.  It doesn't mean you can't ever disagree or have opposing opinions...but use your speech as a tool for bringing light into situations.  Words are powerful. By no means do I have this mastered.  I still say plenty of junk.  I still need the proverbial duct tape every now and then...or hey maybe the real stuff wouldn't be such a bad idea.  In closing...(see I'm prepping for my speaking this weekend) I happen to love this verse in  Proverbs 12:25 An anxious heart weighs a person down, but a kind word, cheers them up.  Pretty simple in my book...help a person who's heart is anxious.  Speak some kindness into their lives...and if you buy the coffee that's even better.  Who doesn't like nice words and a good cup of joe? 

Life's Glasses

I haven't been doing this blog business for long now.  In fact this is only my 4th post in case you've been following.  I got to thinking today that before I blogged much more I should introduce you to someone.  I know him as Babe, Babycakes, Darlin', and a few other names that I'll just keep between us. (and trust me, you're glad for that)  You know him as Rockstar Hubs (RH)  I do call him this as well sometimes.  Like when I see him display amazing feats of strength with pickle jars, and especially when he gets his vacuum groove on.  Now that's HOT!  So why Rockstar?  Well first of all it sounds much cooler than Stoic Norwegian Hubs.  Right? I mean c'mon that ain't exactly sexy.  No offense to the Norwegians out there.  Obviously I'm married to one.  A pure bred 100%  UFF DA Viking man.  And for the record he is the epitome of sexy to me...but that's not where I'm taking this post so relax.  This isn't the adult blogging channel.

When we got married 22 years ago we had our rose colored glasses on like every other couple I assume who gets married.  We were going to live the fairytale. Minus the glass slipper...how uncomfortable is that?  And for those of you who know me better, also know that my parents owned several women's shoe stores for most of my life, so there was NO way I'd be caught in something like that.  Anyway...rose colored glasses...yes, they were intact on that cold day in November.

As life would have it for all people on this planet the rosey picture has had it's less than pink hue some days.  When we were married about 3 years we had our first daughter A, whom we call Ki Ki.  She was and still is the most lovely, beautiful child.  Oh the love love love....she was our WHOLE world.  We jumped into first time parenting with abandon.  There was no moment unaccounted for. Every smile, coo, and burp was admired as the 8th wonder of the world.  And for a time our glasses weren't just rosey they were downright MAUVE.  (It was the 90's remember, mauve was big)

Our Ki Ki at age 4

We noticed some things were "off" around age 2.  She could count in perfect Spanish and yet not seem to follow through on a simple command to get her sippy cup.  She could recognize her letters, numbers and colors, and yet wouldn't make eye contact with us.  She seemed to be in her own world.  Indeed she was....we were told at age 3 that she had a high functioning form of autism.  NO...NO..not our child.  Not our perfect, gentle, sweet first born baby.  Our glasses were no longer mauve, nor even rosey, they seemed pretty grey.  Cold.  Dirty. And very ill fitting.  I wanted to rip them off actually and scream "This is NOT the fairytale!!!"  I want the glass slipper!!  Really I'll wear it...I don't care if my toes turn purple...just make my baby ok.

Rockstar Husband was born that day.  I may have wanted to stay in the grey for a while but my rockstar said no.  He reminded me first of all who our God is.  And that with our God nothing is impossible.  NO thing.  So together we cleaned our dirty glasses, pushed them back up on our faces and focused on to see more clearly.  Our Ki Ki is nearly 20 years old today.  I cannot begin to tell you in this one post all of the many many things we've gone through.  The times of pure joy and elation and some points of severe sadness and grieving.  I also cannot begin to tell you in this one post how big our amazing God is.  I will tell that story one day.  For now just believe me when I say NOTHING is impossible with Him.  It's truer than any true thing.  The miraculous ways in which He has restored her when "they" said she will  'never be'...never be this...and never be that.... We would always leave those meetings and ask the question again...'What does God say?' And His answer was always different, and He proved it time and time again as she conquered this...and conquered that.  Rockstar, he was the optician in all of this.  Kept my glasses on, kept them polished, and helped to bring the rosey color back. 

   Worldly Rockstar status is sought after by so many, but not attainable for most.   Rockstars are the be all and end all of the "good life".  Women, booze, drugs, and a rock and roll band...every man's dream right?  Not my rockstar...he's one for all the other reasons...not women , just woman, one woman.  He doesn't even like the smell of beer, and Advil is his pain killer of choice.  And while he loves a great Van Halen song as much as any good 80's person should, he kinda likes Need To Breathe these days and a little TobyMac.  We've had two more children, the rockstar and I.  We've moved more times than I care to remember.  We've been broke...like dirt down in the mud busted broke.  We've argued until 3:00 in the morning.  We've given each other the silent treatment for far too long sometimes.  And we have shared thousands of hugs, millions of kisses, and trillions of laughs with each other.  I know what he's thinking when he gives me this certain look in the kitchen.  I know what he means when he sends me a text that just says "moo".  (and it's not that he thinks I'm a cow) Even I, who love to joke, would not find that funny.  He is a rockstar every day when he goes and works his ever livin' tail off so I can teach our kids at home. He is a rockstar when I've putzed around on the computer too long, and asks if he can make supper for me.  I don't know if real world rockstars are this selfless, generous and strong.  I guess I don't care, because the word 'Rockstar' has changed for me.  To me it's a Stoic Norwegian man who knows how to keep my glasses clean.  The rosey part...well... fairytales are not real...but most days my vision is clear, and definitely a pretty shade of pink.